Business and Money Trauma Is Real. Don’t Let It Consume You.

I grew up in Wahiawa, a dusty, sun-baked old plantation town in the middle of Oʻahu. It felt like the epicenter of the American war machine, as it was surrounded by an air force base (Wheeler), an army base (Schofield), and a naval communications center. I lived up in the heights, and my elementary school abutted army training grounds.

The soundtrack of my childhood was more Apocalypse Now than Mr. Rogers.

Because of the bases, Wahiawa also had more fast food joints, strip clubs and cheap bars per capita than any other town on the island. But my latest visit has shown me it’s changing. Tucked in between the vape and pawn shops are wooden surfboard makers and brewers of mead (honey wine).

Mead!!! 🤯

Some things haven’t changed though, like Kilani Bakery, home of the legendary guava chiffon cake since 1959. Chiffon cakes were stacked high, and I saw no signs of creeping hipsterism. My teenage years flashed before me — hip huggers and tube tops, Bonne Bell lip gloss, embossed saddle bag leather purses, and the scent of patchouli and ylang-ylang.

But something was not right — Kilani’s aloha vibe was gone.

Signs bristling with exclamation marks “No Receipt. No Refund!!!” were plastered everywhere.

And who the hell tries to return baked goods, receipt or no receipt?

I asked while weighing the merits of haupia (coconut pudding) vs. orange chiffon cake. Do people changing their minds about the danish they just bought really try to get their money back? I couldn’t picture a scenario that required an explicit return policy and such vigilance about receipts.

But something was not right — Kilani’s aloha vibe was gone.

Here’s what I learned.

A customer would buy pastries then return them 3 days later, claiming they were stale. After 3 successful stale pastry scams, Kilani implemented a “no receipt, no return” policy.

They thought that would take care of the problem.

The receipts would prove that 3-day old pastries were stale due to aging, not faulty baking. So the signs went up all over the place, just in case a certain someone didn’t get the memo.

But the customer refused to take a receipt the next time he bought $30 dollars’ worth of pastries, and then asked for a refund days later.

When the salesclerk said no, he lost his sh*t and started cursing at them, hoping that abuse would prove stronger than policy. At which point Kilani Bakery (finally!) invoked their right to refuse service to this asshat ever again.

But the aggro signs stayed up.

That’s what happens when we experience business / money trauma.

The toxic memories settle over our financial future like Wahiawa’s red dust precipitating out of air, and it changes our behavior forever if we let it.

You can see past trauma when reading contracts that have weirdly specific clauses trying to prevent that one psychotic event from happening ever again.

You see it live in employee policies that are are rigid and specific and apply to everyone with no exception, because one bad apple tried to game the system, so no give and take is possible.

I saw it in my elementary classroom, when all the kids got punished because one kid acted out, which meant the next recess became a Lord of the Flies reenactment.

You saw it when France built the impenetrable Maginot Line to prevent the Germans from ever invading again. It was indeed impenetrable. The Germans invaded France through the Low Countries instead.

The toxic memories settle over our financial future like Wahiawa’s red dust precipitating out of air, and it changes our behavior forever if we let it.

What’s the point?

Having clear, well-communicated boundaries is good. But boundaries can’t always protect you (just ask France). Becoming rigid and aggro gets in the way of connecting with your customers, creating a good workplace culture, and blocks the full expression of your business genius.

You’re letting someone else call the shots, when you do this.

You won’t ever have to deal with that specific brand of asshat-ery ever again. There’ll be others 🤣. So why not trust you can handle whatever situation comes up going forward? If your brand is not pugnacious and defensive, don’t let your signage be because of one jerk.

Same holds true for personal finance.

Don’t let one bad experience whether yours or an ancestor’s, cause you to warp your money behavior. Just like jerks will jerk, bad money decisions will inevitably happen.

Crypto will be bought. Panic sales will be made. Scams will be fallen for.

Don’t let bad money experiences become a multi-generational money kink. Stay flexible. Keep an open mind. Be resilient.

Your past does not have to define your future.

P.S. The prune cake shown was handed out in tiny little boxes as wedding favors when I was growing up. I have no idea why.