As A Nikkei Woman, Do You Know The Difference Between Righteous And Conscious Self-Sacrifice?

I said no, and I thought I was going to die.

It was the first time I could remember saying no to my mother as a kid, and I was terrified. We’d traveled to New York City from Guadeloupe to visit family, and it had been a long day running errands. 

It was cold and rainy. I’d outgrown my thin yellow raincoat and was shivering all day. By late afternoon, I got to buy a reward. I chose a  turquoise blue velvet pincushion topped with a face made of soft white fur and googly eyes. 

I adored that pincushion. It sparked SO.MUCH.JOY.

We rushed to the next appointment, and my mother, wanting to give the receptionist a thank you for some small favor, asked to give my pincushion away. 

Could we buy another? No, we couldn’t swing another trip to B. Altman before leaving town. Could we get the receptionist something else? No, we were already running late as it was.  

Saying no is not in the contract between a Japanese American daughter and her mother. I was an extension of her. Her wishes were my wishes. 

I was in agony. 

I couldn’t bear to part with it because I’d earned it, and I loved it. I said NO, despite my fear. It wasn’t my debt nor my sacrifice to make, no matter how angry and disapproving my mom got (very). As an Asian woman, I’ve fought ever since to distinguish righteous self-sacrifice from knee-jerk, conditioned self-sacrifice. 

But the pincushion never again sparked joy.

Photo credit: Dvortygirl, CC BY-SA 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons