Navigating Gender, Money, and Power
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Now let’s get down to business.
“How does your husband feel about you making more money than he does?”
I was genuinely puzzled by this question.
The person asking was my male business partner. We’d finally gotten our firm off the ground and were now starting to earn. “He doesn’t mind,” I said. The truth was I didn’t know. We never talked about it.
I can be tone-deaf to social norms.
It’s not that I’m immune to them. It’s more that I may be wired differently and that I had a feral childhood. Still, that question has stayed with me for years.
Why should it matter?
All of my adult life, except when starting businesses, I earned more than my life partners. Way more.
From a young age, and for completely valid reasons, I vowed never to be financially dependent on a man. (My dad blew up a business thanks to a lethal combination of alcohol, being ahead of his time, and a large dose of wishful thinking.) Instead, I ended up making them financially dependent on me, but that’s another story. 🤣
Dating was a minefield. I didn’t like feeling “bought.” I would go Dutch.
There’s a relationship between money and power, and my baggage made me very unwilling to be dependent or incur an obligation. I’m not saying this is healthy, mind you, just that I’ve always been very sensitive to it.
My point is, in our society, there’s a relationship between money and power. And that relationship is different for men and women in heteronormative marriages.
As in, men are SUPPOSED to earn more than women.
And those that don’t are … less manly? More pussywhipped? Losers? I have no idea how it works, really, this patriarchal mindset.
It’s still a common assumption that men’s needs, if they’re the breadwinner (and even if they’re not!), should take precedence over their stay-at-home spouse. Never mind that she provides valuable unpaid labor, childcare, and psychological, emotional, and support critical to career advancement for their husbands.
This is no small thing – According to the divorce lawyer representing Jack Welsh’s (former CEO of General Electric) ex-wife,
"Jane was the perfect partner. She went on all of his corporate trips. She took up golf so she could play golf with all of his business associates. She saved his life. How does one value that? He also insisted that she quit her corporate law work, her profession. And she introduced him to the Internet. She devoted all of her time to him.”
So when I read a study that women who outearn their husbands do MORE work around the house than women who earn LESS than their husbands, I lost my shit.
Why are we women enabling this double standard?
Is it internalized BS that causes us to run ourselves ragged? To what end? To prove we’re “real women” because real women take care of hearth and home? To preserve our spouse’s ego (even if unasked)? To perish in a bonfire of “You Can Have It All Martyrdom?”
Meanwhile, studies have shown that same-sex couples share the domestic burden far more equally.
We have to stop this nonsense.
If you are in any kind of committed relationship, look at how power and money play out in your relationship.
And it’s not just about who’s pulling their weight with the dirty dishes.
Do you have money secrets?
Is there financial abuse, where one partner has no access to money and is kept on strict, controlled rations?
What about financial infidelity (you cheat with the credit card rather than the pool boy/girl)?
Who controls whose money?
Do you have mine, your, and our money?
Do you have financial transparency?
Do you pursue financial goals together?
How do you resolve conflicts around money?
Your money stuff will unmask the power dynamic in your relationship, for better or worse.
You may not like what you see, but once you see it, you won’t be able to unsee it.
And if you’re on the short end of the power and money stick, you can start to redress the balance.
Want to discuss how or to take the first steps to do so? Hit me up.
The Three Bodhisattvas of Finance
Safety, Clarity are what create Aligned Action when it comes to Cultivating Your Riches. Jizo, Manjusri, and Daruma are bodhisattvas who embody those qualities, and I often call on them to help.
Each week I highlight a practice or resource that will help you feel more comfortable and effective in stewarding your wealth.
When we’re on high alert, we can’t access our inner wisdom, recognize opportunity, or learn something new. You may feel yourself go into flight, fight, freeze, or fawn mode when dealing with your money.
So before you sit down to do your taxes, open your bills, or check your bank balance, here’s a ridiculously easy way to get grounded and more relaxed.
Blow soap bubbles.
Not kidding.
Blowing bubbles forces you to prolong your exhale, which downregulates your nervous system. Exhaling 2x as long as you inhale will calm you down right away.
Watching the bubbles float through the air will engender awe. Feeling awe makes us feel grateful to be alive, open to the magic that’s all around us, and open-minded and open-hearted.
Try it. You’ll be ready to cope with that dreaded financial task.
There are two forms of clarity, inner and outer. Being willing to SEE the truth of your circumstances is necessary to take aligned action.
Look up your credit score.
Your credit score influences much more than your credit. It can affect whether you land a job, rent an apartment, or how much you pay in insurance.
In the U.S. consumers are allowed one FREE credit report annually. Beware of bogus sites that will charge you – use this one.
Now that you know your score, what aligned action do you need to take?
If there are errors, here’s information on how to correct them.
And if you’d like to improve your credit score, here’s what you need to know.
If you need support with any of these steps, I got your back. Hit me up.
For more thoughts and ideas on financial intimacy, subscribe to my weekly newsletter Cultivating Your Riches.
