How to Ditch Judginess and Better Connect with People You Don’t Like

We Have Met the Enemy and He Is Us

I am a Psych 101 cliche.

When I meet someone who tweaks me, inevitably it’s because they mirror the parts of me I want to disown. For most of my life though, despite 30 years of therapy, I was clueless about this. It took a Humpty Dumpty-sized great fall (closing business, divorce) for me to learn this.

I had to glue the shards of my previous identity back together as best as I could.

I found that when I lost parts of my identity, some of the assumptions/collusions/denials they required also fell apart. Left behind were some uncomfortable truths about my shittiness as a human being.

Being judgy is one of my many less-than-stellar personality traits.

I know now that it’s just stucco on the walls protecting my ego and encircling my heart. Keeps me from truly seeing someone in the full expression of their humanity. Blocks me from making a real connection with them. Boosts me up by putting them down. (Judginess is not the same as discernment, which does protect me from harmful people.)

Judginess is just a low-grade assholic mindset, but mindsets can change.

Now whenever I get tweaked by someone, I look within. I assume positive intent. I expand out to them instead of shrinking away. I meet them where they are, with real curiosity and an open mind.

Well, I try, anyway.

Like a firefighter, I have to practice running into the burning house of my psyche when every bone in my body is screaming at me to sprint in the other direction.